It is sad to know. It is stupid to be ignorant.

As the date approaching, I get to know how it feel like when a person are dying...
Maybe it sound weird for me to describe it with die, but that's the fact.

I come to realize that, I am tremendously sad and feel badly that I have not done anything for my parents and I am soon to leave and start a new life.
Deep inside my heart, I'm struggling between the to leave or not to leave.
Somehow, I found no one supported me to do either one of this.

For Chinese, a woman will have to follow the man she married to and listen to what he said.
This had been a tradition for more than thousands years...
Although we are seeking equality among genders, but it seem to be going no where.
Maybe, some will not agree and said that many women had become CEOs for many International companies around the world, but women will still have to take care of how men feel and respect them...

And this, happened to me as well. Not to said that I do not like the marriage life but it is hard for me to think of how my life would be and how good I can react to the environment changes around me.
Cause I might be staying there for the rest of my life and not moving to any places in the future.

When I knew that the future could be so frightening, I just stunned there.
I was stunned in the office for about 10 second yesterday as one of my colleague saying goodbye to me as I will not meet him at work until my last day in the office.
Not that I have special feeling for him, but the moment he says 'see you and do take care yourself.'
I feel like crying and my mind was empty.

How could I just let this happened to me when I still looking for some excitement and challenges in life?
What should I said to my parents when they send me to they bus station later on? How I should react? With smiley face? Laugh like a crazy woman???
I feel like not to attend any farewell party with all my friends and I don't feel like seeing them, I don't want to let them see my ugly face with tears.

I am so angry with myself to be so confusing now.
I neither want to leave this family nor not to see my hubby...THIS IS JUST SO RIDICULOUS!

I feel so sad and almost in grief to know and understand all this.
I would be stupid if I keep on pretending and ignore the changes took place soon...
I hate this, and I hate myself now, really...