As the date approaching, I get to know how it feel like when a person are dying...
Maybe it sound weird for me to describe it with die, but that's the fact.
I come to realize that, I am tremendously sad and feel badly that I have not done anything for my parents and I am soon to leave and start a new life.
Deep inside my heart, I'm struggling between the to leave or not to leave.
Somehow, I found no one supported me to do either one of this.
For Chinese, a woman will have to follow the man she married to and listen to what he said.
This had been a tradition for more than thousands years...
Although we are seeking equality among genders, but it seem to be going no where.
Maybe, some will not agree and said that many women had become CEOs for many International companies around the world, but women will still have to take care of how men feel and respect them...
And this, happened to me as well. Not to said that I do not like the marriage life but it is hard for me to think of how my life would be and how good I can react to the environment changes around me.
Cause I might be staying there for the rest of my life and not moving to any places in the future.
When I knew that the future could be so frightening, I just stunned there.
I was stunned in the office for about 10 second yesterday as one of my colleague saying goodbye to me as I will not meet him at work until my last day in the office.
Not that I have special feeling for him, but the moment he says 'see you and do take care yourself.'
I feel like crying and my mind was empty.
How could I just let this happened to me when I still looking for some excitement and challenges in life?
What should I said to my parents when they send me to they bus station later on? How I should react? With smiley face? Laugh like a crazy woman???
I feel like not to attend any farewell party with all my friends and I don't feel like seeing them, I don't want to let them see my ugly face with tears.
I am so angry with myself to be so confusing now.
I neither want to leave this family nor not to see my hubby...THIS IS JUST SO RIDICULOUS!
I feel so sad and almost in grief to know and understand all this.
I would be stupid if I keep on pretending and ignore the changes took place soon...
I hate this, and I hate myself now, really...
Wednesday, November 26
Thursday, November 6
Past, Today and Tomorrow
I was born in the year of 1983...
In the past 25 years, I spent most of my time in a small town called - Simpang Empat.
It is not a place with attractions or good food, but most of the youngster here live outstation or overseas, leaving the elderly in town with a small group of skilled teenagers and adult.
Although, as i mentioned, no tourist attractions, no delicious food, but this is a town where I had spent most of my time with my beloved family members...
my ah ma (grandmother), taoke and taoke soh (dad & mum), most hatred Koko (brother), ah jie (sister) and xiao fei (younger sister), they all had brought me the brightness and darkness side to my life...
I still remember, once I wished I could meet with Mr Right that as good looking as my brother (I know most of does not think that he is good looking, but that's when I was at stage sought for puppy love, okay!), but I later regretted this, as I realised this is a materialistic world, nothing is certain.
Then, I dreamed of becoming a cabin crew, a pilot, astronaut, lawyer and many many more professions that u could think off. What an ambitious girl haha... No doubt, when it came to academic, I do graduated with flying colours (I get most in blue and some red ink, indicated I failed several subjects).
Well, that's not the side of the story I wanted to tell ya... After graduated from college and later university, I knew the one and only thing that i desired the most id - FREEDOM!
A totally freedom from anyone, parents, siblings and even my behalf. But this is impossible. As my wish not to marry in the first five years after graduated - destroyed! Most of my friends still in the stage of not believing this news, I knew, I do, I really really know that most u guys thought the guy willing to marry me MUST BE BLIND!
Ok, I understand. However, with a sensible approach I have on the kind of live I want to go through, I hope I can achieve part of it. Cause, for most conservative Chinese, they hope to have baby after marriage, which I do not think so. So, what I am doing now is to delay date to have a baby by practicing family planning, sound smart right! Yeah, that's thought from brilliant chew chin @ ccTan.
On the other hand, my lao kong (husband) would have no choice but to follow whatever I have decided. Why? Because for a woman to pregnant, you should have intercourse or sex with a man...haha (But, I can't guarantee on my plan, so GOd please stay with me, thank you)
After all, the sadness part is that I have to leave my lovely hometown, a place where i used to proudly called home. Although i can return home whenever I want, but it is just meaningless. i can't celebrate Chinese New Year Eve and play fire crackers with all my relative.
It is learnt that my husband have no fire crackers and they having the Chinese New Year Eve dinner only among their family....You know, my mum would prepared mouth watering dishes for lunch and we all would get drunk after taking fishballs, vegitables, fishes and etc in a steamboat (dinner).
Just imagine a month before Chinese New Year, our fridge would overloaded with food only. You can't even make ice or keep ur drink refrigerated.
I have tender my resignation letter early this month and it's sad to leave this lovely company which practice Malaysian spirit. As you would never think, speak or act as a Chinese, Malay or Indian, in this company.
Despite many called our company a 'BN paper', this is something that I feel happy with. Just call us whatever u want, but we are just reporting thr truth that we believed in. Manzai NSTP!
I will be leaving this lovely place a week before my departure date to meet up with my lovely sister in Singapore. As I cleaning up my rubbish during my off days, I was once stunned and saddened by the fact that I have to go.
I love you all - daddy and mummy, fei fei and pui pui, siao ta poh and ah mah....
Below are the family member of my hhubby, who is also my second family...say HI to them
In the past 25 years, I spent most of my time in a small town called - Simpang Empat.
It is not a place with attractions or good food, but most of the youngster here live outstation or overseas, leaving the elderly in town with a small group of skilled teenagers and adult.
Although, as i mentioned, no tourist attractions, no delicious food, but this is a town where I had spent most of my time with my beloved family members...
my ah ma (grandmother), taoke and taoke soh (dad & mum), most hatred Koko (brother), ah jie (sister) and xiao fei (younger sister), they all had brought me the brightness and darkness side to my life...
I still remember, once I wished I could meet with Mr Right that as good looking as my brother (I know most of does not think that he is good looking, but that's when I was at stage sought for puppy love, okay!), but I later regretted this, as I realised this is a materialistic world, nothing is certain.
Then, I dreamed of becoming a cabin crew, a pilot, astronaut, lawyer and many many more professions that u could think off. What an ambitious girl haha... No doubt, when it came to academic, I do graduated with flying colours (I get most in blue and some red ink, indicated I failed several subjects).
Well, that's not the side of the story I wanted to tell ya... After graduated from college and later university, I knew the one and only thing that i desired the most id - FREEDOM!
A totally freedom from anyone, parents, siblings and even my behalf. But this is impossible. As my wish not to marry in the first five years after graduated - destroyed! Most of my friends still in the stage of not believing this news, I knew, I do, I really really know that most u guys thought the guy willing to marry me MUST BE BLIND!
Ok, I understand. However, with a sensible approach I have on the kind of live I want to go through, I hope I can achieve part of it. Cause, for most conservative Chinese, they hope to have baby after marriage, which I do not think so. So, what I am doing now is to delay date to have a baby by practicing family planning, sound smart right! Yeah, that's thought from brilliant chew chin @ ccTan.
On the other hand, my lao kong (husband) would have no choice but to follow whatever I have decided. Why? Because for a woman to pregnant, you should have intercourse or sex with a man...haha (But, I can't guarantee on my plan, so GOd please stay with me, thank you)
After all, the sadness part is that I have to leave my lovely hometown, a place where i used to proudly called home. Although i can return home whenever I want, but it is just meaningless. i can't celebrate Chinese New Year Eve and play fire crackers with all my relative.
It is learnt that my husband have no fire crackers and they having the Chinese New Year Eve dinner only among their family....You know, my mum would prepared mouth watering dishes for lunch and we all would get drunk after taking fishballs, vegitables, fishes and etc in a steamboat (dinner).
Just imagine a month before Chinese New Year, our fridge would overloaded with food only. You can't even make ice or keep ur drink refrigerated.
I have tender my resignation letter early this month and it's sad to leave this lovely company which practice Malaysian spirit. As you would never think, speak or act as a Chinese, Malay or Indian, in this company.
Despite many called our company a 'BN paper', this is something that I feel happy with. Just call us whatever u want, but we are just reporting thr truth that we believed in. Manzai NSTP!
I will be leaving this lovely place a week before my departure date to meet up with my lovely sister in Singapore. As I cleaning up my rubbish during my off days, I was once stunned and saddened by the fact that I have to go.
I love you all - daddy and mummy, fei fei and pui pui, siao ta poh and ah mah....
Below are the family member of my hhubby, who is also my second family...say HI to them
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