It is sad to know. It is stupid to be ignorant.

As the date approaching, I get to know how it feel like when a person are dying...
Maybe it sound weird for me to describe it with die, but that's the fact.

I come to realize that, I am tremendously sad and feel badly that I have not done anything for my parents and I am soon to leave and start a new life.
Deep inside my heart, I'm struggling between the to leave or not to leave.
Somehow, I found no one supported me to do either one of this.

For Chinese, a woman will have to follow the man she married to and listen to what he said.
This had been a tradition for more than thousands years...
Although we are seeking equality among genders, but it seem to be going no where.
Maybe, some will not agree and said that many women had become CEOs for many International companies around the world, but women will still have to take care of how men feel and respect them...

And this, happened to me as well. Not to said that I do not like the marriage life but it is hard for me to think of how my life would be and how good I can react to the environment changes around me.
Cause I might be staying there for the rest of my life and not moving to any places in the future.

When I knew that the future could be so frightening, I just stunned there.
I was stunned in the office for about 10 second yesterday as one of my colleague saying goodbye to me as I will not meet him at work until my last day in the office.
Not that I have special feeling for him, but the moment he says 'see you and do take care yourself.'
I feel like crying and my mind was empty.

How could I just let this happened to me when I still looking for some excitement and challenges in life?
What should I said to my parents when they send me to they bus station later on? How I should react? With smiley face? Laugh like a crazy woman???
I feel like not to attend any farewell party with all my friends and I don't feel like seeing them, I don't want to let them see my ugly face with tears.

I am so angry with myself to be so confusing now.
I neither want to leave this family nor not to see my hubby...THIS IS JUST SO RIDICULOUS!

I feel so sad and almost in grief to know and understand all this.
I would be stupid if I keep on pretending and ignore the changes took place soon...
I hate this, and I hate myself now, really...

Past, Today and Tomorrow

I was born in the year of 1983...
In the past 25 years, I spent most of my time in a small town called - Simpang Empat.

It is not a place with attractions or good food, but most of the youngster here live outstation or overseas, leaving the elderly in town with a small group of skilled teenagers and adult.

Although, as i mentioned, no tourist attractions, no delicious food, but this is a town where I had spent most of my time with my beloved family members...

my ah ma (grandmother), taoke and taoke soh (dad & mum), most hatred Koko (brother), ah jie (sister) and xiao fei (younger sister), they all had brought me the brightness and darkness side to my life...

I still remember, once I wished I could meet with Mr Right that as good looking as my brother (I know most of does not think that he is good looking, but that's when I was at stage sought for puppy love, okay!), but I later regretted this, as I realised this is a materialistic world, nothing is certain.

Then, I dreamed of becoming a cabin crew, a pilot, astronaut, lawyer and many many more professions that u could think off. What an ambitious girl haha... No doubt, when it came to academic, I do graduated with flying colours (I get most in blue and some red ink, indicated I failed several subjects).

Well, that's not the side of the story I wanted to tell ya... After graduated from college and later university, I knew the one and only thing that i desired the most id - FREEDOM!

A totally freedom from anyone, parents, siblings and even my behalf. But this is impossible. As my wish not to marry in the first five years after graduated - destroyed! Most of my friends still in the stage of not believing this news, I knew, I do, I really really know that most u guys thought the guy willing to marry me MUST BE BLIND!

Ok, I understand. However, with a sensible approach I have on the kind of live I want to go through, I hope I can achieve part of it. Cause, for most conservative Chinese, they hope to have baby after marriage, which I do not think so. So, what I am doing now is to delay date to have a baby by practicing family planning, sound smart right! Yeah, that's thought from brilliant chew chin @ ccTan.

On the other hand, my lao kong (husband) would have no choice but to follow whatever I have decided. Why? Because for a woman to pregnant, you should have intercourse or sex with a man...haha (But, I can't guarantee on my plan, so GOd please stay with me, thank you)

After all, the sadness part is that I have to leave my lovely hometown, a place where i used to proudly called home. Although i can return home whenever I want, but it is just meaningless. i can't celebrate Chinese New Year Eve and play fire crackers with all my relative.

It is learnt that my husband have no fire crackers and they having the Chinese New Year Eve dinner only among their family....You know, my mum would prepared mouth watering dishes for lunch and we all would get drunk after taking fishballs, vegitables, fishes and etc in a steamboat (dinner).

Just imagine a month before Chinese New Year, our fridge would overloaded with food only. You can't even make ice or keep ur drink refrigerated.

I have tender my resignation letter early this month and it's sad to leave this lovely company which practice Malaysian spirit. As you would never think, speak or act as a Chinese, Malay or Indian, in this company.

Despite many called our company a 'BN paper', this is something that I feel happy with. Just call us whatever u want, but we are just reporting thr truth that we believed in. Manzai NSTP!

I will be leaving this lovely place a week before my departure date to meet up with my lovely sister in Singapore. As I cleaning up my rubbish during my off days, I was once stunned and saddened by the fact that I have to go.

I love you all - daddy and mummy, fei fei and pui pui, siao ta poh and ah mah....

Below are the family member of my hhubby, who is also my second family...say HI to them

savour mummy home-cook meals

If u ever asked me on food, I might unconsiously replied you that, my mum is the best cook.
This, happened to many, I believes.

She have been preparing four our daily essentials ans food in the past 30 years.
I would not growth up to be who I am today, without her mouth-watering dishes.


Here are several dishes that we have for lunch and dinner..
although it is just a normal dishes but we feel warm and it is the most delicious food for us...


Somehow, we will request for our favourite food and she would make sure that she will cook it for us whenever she had spare time after helping dad in the shop and doing all housework.

At the right is our favourite 'cucuk', in chinese style. Its ingredient consist of onion, prawn, corns, chili, flour, salt and water.

I am yet to come out with the taste as mum make...haha...



I tries my best to stay at home for any meals during my working hours, as I knew when I moved to brunei, I would hardly taste or request for any of my faourite dishes from her at regular.

Miss ur food and u, mummy.

Endless wedding preparation.....by me, myself and I

Guess what...my wedding reception just around the corner!!!!!!!!

It would be on September 2nd and I still figuring out which of my friends that I missed out.
Hopefully I had all of them on hand before it was too late...

A question throw by L'occitane En Provene staff enlighten me from all these mess yet crazy preparation.
She was congratulate me upon hearing of the good news from me and say "I'm sure you must be very excited and looking forward."
For a moment, my mind stop from remembering stuff that I should buy, and I answered "No, I'm not happy at all."

Obviously, the girl was in a big shock and so am I.
But deep in my heart, I knew that is how I feel from the beginning.
I always dreamt of perfect wedding although not a fairly tale like.

Such as my wardrobe which would be filled with colourful clothes together with my hubby one.
And a full set of make-up will be display in one of the drawers.
As well my high heels and all sort of beauty and facial sets.
Yes, it would cost me a lot and no dout I'm going to have it, no matter what...
So I am in huge debts now. Regretted? NOT AT ALL.

Soon after I went for all the shopping and putting all them into boxes,
I realised that I was all on my own.
I keep getting money from my parents, digging from my saving account, from my husband-to-be...for all these.
Despite being accompanied by friends and family members, I feel like it was not my wedding.
Where is my behalf to share these moments with me?
Does he ever consider to arrive earlier to assist me in whatever leftover work?
Have he thought of what he can do to help me?

I just request a home for ourselves from him but to no avail.
Endless excuses and reasons were given but non of them could lead to an answer that could satisfied me.
I knew he tried his best to give me answered, but can the 'Tak apa' attitude taken away from him?
Somehow I really get fuss with guys like this...
Well, in another point of view, they respect us and gives us the priority to choose what we most wanted.
Is that really help? Is that what we called 'courtesy of appreciation'?
I am not a judge for this and I am just hopeless at this moment.

He gave me an unlogical answer when I told him that we should move outside and have a home for us.
"Is it very hard and embarrasse to stay with my parents?
"What about I stay in hotel eberytime I viisted your parents?" he said.
It's so ridiculous...I am speechless after hearing it.
I off the phone and continue with my sweet sweet dream...
Will it all justa dream when I wake up the next morning?

Sigh.....

super pissed off !!!

only a word can describe my situation now - pissed off.
真的不能再忍下去了。。。心情一直都无法平静下来。
今天是我换了第二份工作以来最不开心的一天。
工作上不如意的事，有时候真的很容易就可以放下，但是这一次应该没有这么容易了。

想想被编辑这么一说，很容易的就会开始思索到底这份工适合自己吗？
整个下午，我的脑海里浮现的，就是到底下一步要怎么做。

要知道被骂得时候，我的脑海里，一直想到底要回答些什么，接下来应该要怎样应付等，比辩论会还可怜。
因为无论我想到什么都不能回答，只因自己真的是错、错、错。
除了觉得自己的没有责任之外，还发现对工作的热忱已经降低到了极点。
编辑对自己的期望，好像已经没有当初录取我时高了。。。
该怎么办呢？我要做什么才行？？

被训话之后，我很想找个地方躲起来。
第一次这样难受、为难及无助。
感觉比空虚还难说出口，比被人冤枉还来得委屈。
心里开始出现很多问题。而自己却做不了什么。

在回家的途中，拨电给一个可以让自己觉得有安全感的人，但是却不能立刻找到他。
兜兜转转后，拨电和朋友随便聊聊之后，又给他拨了个长途电话。
终于还是让我和他谈了一会儿。可是问题却没能解决。。。
他应该不明白我那复杂的心情吧，男生多数都是很难明白女生，尤其是像我这般喜欢一开口就把事情搞得乱七八糟的人。

好失望，真的好失望。他只能对我说，多多努力，一定会有回报的。
心里想要听的，并不是这些话。
将近十一点时，不甘心的我，再次的拨电给他。
在我细说事情的来龙去脉时，说到很想哭时，他淡淡的说，哭有用吗？可以解决你的问题吗？
我顿时觉得这个男的真的可以丢下山崖了。。。
于是狠狠地骂了他无情后，我在心碎的心情下，写下了自己的不愉快。

也许是自己要求太高，要别人明白自己的想法。
但是对于一个自己深爱的人，我很想得到他的呵护、温柔的慰问。
然而一切就如流水般冲走。。。
我没有什么话可以说，也许是自己对他的期望太高吧！

自己的不开心就如以往般，塞入那小小的口袋里，再用力吞噬它。
这样就会减少对别人的期望及对自己带来的失望了。
也是保护自己软弱一面的唯一小小办法了。
对不起。。。这已经不是第一次了。。。

high technology and troubles...

hmm... 'masalah, masalah & masalah...' (trouble, trouble & trouble...) has been word put in our mouth everyday.

and this morning my colleagues been busy with the new system which introduced by the IT departments crews two days ago.
what the crews are doing is installing the new system to our desktops and notebooks at the same time upgrading the window software so that it compatible with the new system.

and what makes not only me but few of my other colleagues frustrating is that the new system is not compatible with window vista....hmmm masalah lah ni.
this word no doubt was spoken by a few of my colleagues but not me.
honestly, i don't see whether there is problem for me to sent story without the new system.
the thing is, the high technology have allow us to use the email to do so many things...

bah i better get off la....boring.

The election after 1957

Am I still eligible in this coming election? Can I go to vote even I'm walking with a stick?

That's the questions throw on me from my 80 plus granny right after I stepped into the house just now.

Without a second thought, I told her not to think so much on the election and rather stay at home during the polling day.

But, a few second after that, I was regret and hoping to draw back my answer.

This is not right. I should not stop my grandma to vote and if she is able to.

Back to that, I asked myself why I did not register as a voter.

I should have done it years back since I'm going into 25 August this year. Look at grandma, she couldn't walk or stand longer thn five minutes, yet she want to vote for the party.

That's not the only thought flash through my brain at this moment. I had event think of what kind of responsibility of the people in the 50s and 60s think about election... Also what made them so insist on giving vote to the party they loyal to.

In another way, what the people today think about election? As public announcement and advertisement had been promoting and emphasis on becoming a voter.

Besides, do the political parties candidates understand their role and who are they campaigning for? For the people? For the party? Or, for the wealth?

Good words have been putting on their mouth saying that they going to change this and that, developing here and there, or even lower the petrol and fuel price for the sake of the people.

How many of them are being faithful behind the words they were saying? How many of them will be keeping their promise? That would be answered to you in your heart.

Even me, a person working in the media industry can't even asnwer to that question. Many rumors and stories been passing to us and that's the reality and the politic.
(I could not put it as reality in politic. The fact that in reality, people think of themself before help the others. In politic, people choose the party that can ensure harmony for them, or people use the politic to do many 'other' things.)

And, all these leading to why many Malaysians refused to register or even vote in the election.

Well I'm not a politic analysis but I'm just shouting the voicec inside me. Also I wanted to study the voters mind in the 50s and 60s.

Are they influenced by Tunku Abdul Abdul Rahman or just the followers of the trend after the riot in 1969?

Finally I wonder what made my grandma insist to go to vote? She would probabaly start talking about how she is going to go during March 8. What time she must prepare herself and where should she put the 'X'.

So guys, we should start thinking of what we want rather than should we performe our responsibility as a Malaysian, I guess so.